Won't Go There!

I’ve read a lot of self-help books. . . way, way too many self-help books. I’ve searched through plenty of books on various spiritualities and perused much of the positive psychology literature. What I’ve found is that many of these authors underscore the importance of monitoring your thoughts. “You can be happy no matter what” because you decide what thoughts to have about a situation. You can “Learn Optimism” by restructuring negative thoughts in a way that lets more positive thoughts sink in and take root. Even the thought focusing techniques described in the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness, match a basic premise behind cognitive behavioral therapy: In order to be happy (or more content, mindful, relaxed, etc.), you have to increase the thoughts that make you happy and decrease the thoughts that don’t.

Lately, I’ve been trying to up my focus on meditation as a means of softening my naturally neurotic (anxious) thoughts. Over the years, I’ve tried to “be still,” “be in the moment,” “be mindful,” and “let go.” I’ve had few hits and lots of misses. Most of the time, I feel the urge to yell, “Shut up!” at all my constant mental noise.

“They” (the many experts I’ve read) all agree that it’s normal to have this mental squirming as soon as you try to be still. They urge me just not to give up, to keep sitting, and inner stillness will come with patience and practice. So, I keep sitting and waiting (impatiently). They also say to observe your thoughts without judgment as they arise and just let them go. I’ve been trying to let go, let go, let go. Relax. Observe without judgment. The few times I’ve even achieved this state it has never felt like it really clicked. I didn’t realize that there might be a better way for me.

I read one little tidbit that has completely changed my meditation experience: When distracting thoughts arise, simply tell your ego, “You can go there, but I’m not following you.”

It was written as a sideline almost, but it just struck me. I tried and loved it right away. I love the different feeling I get from these nuanced words. When I try to just sit, observe, be aware, be mindful, and let go, I seem to squirm even more. To me, there’s something too passive about it. When I say instead, “I am not following you” I am acknowledging the distracting thought; I’m aware that it’s coming from ‘little me’ and not the eternal ‘I’ and I’m allowing little me to do what it wants, “go ahead and pursue it, but I won’t go there.”

This advice helps me step back just like the other “observe-and-let-go” technique. It helps me separate my ego identity from my higher, spiritual identity just like the other technique, but this other “won’t go there” tool allows me to feel both stronger and lighter somehow. I’m not giving up control; I’m allowing for real control. I’m not frustrating myself or focusing on what I can’t or shouldn’t do (because I have to let my thoughts and desires GO); I’m making a proactive decision about something I DO want; I’m no longer trying to avoid being pulled in a distracting direction; I’m choosing where I want sit spiritually and psychically.

Struggling to “observe and let go” left me feeling a bit like I’m STILL (after ALL . . . THESE . . . YEARS) in the equivalent of spiritual preschool. With this slight change to “I’m not going there,” I feel more like my very own wise spiritual parent. I assume the role of one who is comfortable enough to let the rebellious, naughty side have its way without my having to fight it at all. I discover that I am able to smile on the inside about its rebellious, scrambling ways while I choose to be here, in this moment of quiet strength. And finally, that feels great!